Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.