if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
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craving $300 all of a sudden
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.