Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Why are bridges so flammable.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich