the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.