rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Sell your car
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Knock Knock
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”