Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
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Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.