wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.