I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
You Might Also Like
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?