Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
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me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
why isn’t he texting back
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.