ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Danger is very dangerous
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!