You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”