This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
You Might Also Like
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open