Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
The game has officially changed 😎
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.