In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me checking my bank balance online.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)