*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
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Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
This line from Airplane.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember