If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
You Might Also Like
i will not be silenced
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun