Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“i miss shittin on people”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
LOL
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I ate everything, including the H.
this isn’t threatening at all
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
You better watch out
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.