Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Knock Knock
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.