“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
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Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
incredible text to wake up to
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs