“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*