You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
You Might Also Like
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.