Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.