A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
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Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
WHY?!
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago