Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
It’s an epidemic…
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Love is always patient and kind.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.