Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.