1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
This is my brand.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
#titanic
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..