Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”