Stop being racist to kettles.
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Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
dads on road-trips be like
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer