My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
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Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question