Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Favourite diary entry ever
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.