[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send