“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar