I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
dream blunt rotation
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
This is my favorite one of these!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.