“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.