*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.