[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.