WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
79.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..