Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Name this drama.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…