Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..