Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Huge, if true.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Cat.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework