Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Don’t make me out nice you.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.