I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If only.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.