I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.