my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
HERE’S MARKY
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Y’all know who you are.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.