Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.