Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line