[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.