Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.