[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
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literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show