{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late